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Friday, 7 March 2014

Tuesday

After a restless night, I woke up and decided I was ok for work.  Getting the boys ready, as well as myself, is getting a little harder, but then Leonie has been superb - I don't know where I would be without her.  I usually take Sidney to nursery on Tuesdays and Thursdays and today was no different.  On the way Sid and I always chat, mainly random topics, whatever goes through a 3 year olds head, and the subjects change rapidly.  I'm sure all parents can relate to this situation.  But today Sid was different, in a way he seemed concerned for me.  He started off by asking about gluten free and food I can eat/not eat.  I think it started from it being pancake day.  After a while the subject evolved into asking questions about my tummy.  I always try to be truthful with my kids, telling them straight up an answer if they ask a good question.  Sid asked if after my operation to take my tummy, would I still have skin?  I told him that of course I would.  That one question, for some reason made me cry. Here I was sat in a traffic jam in the middle of Preston on the nursery run, crying.

I gathered myself together and managed to get Sid dropped off.  I went into work and settled down for the day ready to work. The only problem was that I couldn't shake the worry and panic I was feeling, stemming from such an innocent question.  During the day, I had to have a few trips to the bathroom, just to get myself together, and I don't mind admitting that I really did struggle to keep the crying at a minimum.  I was just having a bad day, and although everybody I came across was cheery, I was not.  I emailed Leonie and told her about my bad day.  She emailed me back telling me that I was strong, stronger than most, and reminded me I had only had chemo 4 days prior and yet here I am, sat at my desk at work.

I know loads of people go through the big C battle every day.  Some struggle, but I have to remind myself that I am young, I have something worth fighting for and I do not give in.  I struggled the rest the day and Leonie was again my rock when I got home.  We cuddled,  we went to bed.  Another day done, it has been a hard day, but another ticked off.  Tomorrow is another battle and hopefully an easier one.

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