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Saturday, 5 April 2014

And Then It Hits You

It was the start of another week and I woke up on day three of the second cycle of my Chemo treatment.  I didn't feel good, in fact I felt weary and tired.  The Chemo, and its probably the steroids rather than Chemo, stop you sleeping, and I had been getting about three hours each night.  I woke up thinking that this lack of sleep had finally caught up with me.

I text my boss to tell her that I would be late in, and Karyn text back to say that I shouldn't go in at all, something that I hadn't contemplated, my first thought is always what time can I get into work.  It's not that I think my job is the best in the world, but it's more the idea that I can't and shouldn't disappoint or leave the guys on their own.  I know that they can sort all the stuff out that needs to be done and can probably do it without intervention from me a lot better, but I feel like I can't let go, or not go into work.

The boys were dropped off at the various places and I ran myself a bath.  I am glad that I had Monday off work, but at the same time I felt really low and this gave me time to think about things too much. I spent a long time in the bath, just lying there. I thought about a lot of things, but the one thing that took up most of my thoughts was the impending surgery.  After speaking to Claire on Friday about the plans for surgery, it had brought it to the forefront of my mind.  Would I be able to run like I used to, how soon could I walk after surgery, what would my eating be like afterwards?  These are the things that scare me.  For me, I am an active person, before I found out about the cancer I ran and cycled,  I was able to push my body to achieve feats that I thought I wasn't capable of and if I can't do this, it would upset me.  So having these thoughts initially upset me, but on reflection just make me more determined.

In the afternoon, I decided to take some action.  I went to town to find a hat, a first small step.  My hair is still coming out and getting thinner, but at the moment I can get away with it. I went to a few shops with no luck, it seems I have a head the size of a small child, no hats fit me, another blow.  I came home a little disgruntled and decided to sleep, I needed it.

The boys were home and Leonie joined us after work.  As usual we got the boys fed and in bed, and relaxed in the evening.  This so far had been the worst day of the treatment.  It's the first time that I felt weak and unmotivated.  I felt sick and had taken my dose of anti-sickness tablets.  The bad metallic tatse was ever present and whatever I ate didn't shift it.  I really wanted to get rid of the taste as I was sure this was making me feel sick more than anything.  Hopefully Tuesday would bring the change I was hoping for.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Karyn here.... Ric I really don't think you realise how well you are doing, the fact that you are even in work is amazing and beyond all of our expectation. As for your team, because you manage them so well they can cope without you being there some of the time, so don't be so hard on yourself.
    You could have taken the easy option and stayed at home, but that's not you - that's not something you would even think about doing, I'm so proud of you :)

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