Last night was awful. I went to bed around 11.00 after an uncomfortable day with the pain hanging around from the previous days operation and I led in bed awake, thinking.
This is never good and is also not productive but once things are swimming around up there its hard to stop them. I think last night the sheer scale and enormity of this cancer hit me. My thoughts were mainly about my mortality and finances for the family. I had had a call with the insurance provider during the day and I am waiting for them to call back next week, hopefully with better news. But that with the fact that this one aspect could make my family suffer more really did shake me up last night.
At midnight, I came downstairs after not getting comfortable in bed and led on the sofa with a blanket, the thoughts remained and I lasted about an hour before making my way back upstairs. Eventually I found sleep but not for long as I woke again at 5 am to find the two boys in our bed and I was getting pushed out, so up I got again and went to sleep in Oscar's room, surrounded by teddy bears. Again I eventually got to sleep and woke again about 9, but felt like I couldn't face the world today. I came downstairs and luckily the boys and my wife brought me out of my thoughts and back down to earth. Having my family around really does help but it doesn't stop the anxiety fully. This has been the hardest part for me so far. Not only that, but the thought of undergoing major surgery scares me a little after Thursdays operation, as this was painful enough and they hardly did anything.
My mum and dad popped over for a brew and its good to have everyone around, and I know its stupid as I also know that my family will always be there. But it doesn't stop me from thinking that somehow I have failed, as a husband and father.
During the day I have been really tired, the pain has subsided considerably but I have had to have a couple of naps. My mum popped back at 4.30 to take me for the CT scan (back at the hospital again). This is my second one now and they are painless but quite fun, although today I was not really in the mood. The CT scan nurses were like drill sergeant's, reeling off questions and then barking instructions. The whole thing was efficient and I was in and out within 15 minutes. The only part that took some time was to stop the flow of blood from my arm from the x-ray dye going in, the nurse had to apply a lot of pressure for some time before it stopped, I didn't mind as she had some really nice blue eyes (she wasn't good looking, but her eyes were nice) and this took my mind off my inability to clot!
Luckily, when I got back home, my friends Gemma and Sam had arrived for a pre planned visit from Wales. It was good timing on their part as it really lifted my mood and they always provide some giggles. They have two kids as well so the house was full of fun and laughter which was really needed today. The evening will be fun and some alcohol will be drunk.